What is it that we fear the most in this world? If you were to ask this question to a friend, a family member and an acquaintance I’m sure you would get three very different answers. You could ask this question to hundreds of strangers and get hundreds of answers but how many would answer “myself”?
When I say fear of self I’m talking about our physical, mental and spiritual self. There has rarely been a time in my life when all three of those states of being have been in synch with each other. I have found myself in a constant battle with either one of them or all three. There are brief moments where my mind shuts down for a bit but in these moments, I am not dealing with any of them. What makes them so scary is that if I refuse to acknowledge them attempt to regulate them, they start eating away at my being.
When I was much younger, I found that writing in a personal diary would often empty my body of my frustrations. At that age I did not know that dealing with those frustrations head on would be the best way to get rid of them, writing in my diary gave me a release and that was what I focused on, but it came at a cost. I never left those moments of frustration on the pages, instead I carried them with me and year after year they continued to pile on top of me, it was as if my diary became heavier with each entry. I eventually stopped writing in my diary, I was going from primary school into high school and after moving into a new place I had forgotten about my burdened diary. One day I found it and went through my entries from my younger self and missed those days where I could tell my diary about my day or my deepest secrets. The nostalgia of it all was great but it brought back feelings of pain that I couldn’t yet explain.
To this day I still have that diary and from time to time it has been my solace, my confidant but mostly it reminds me that I have a past that I need to face and make peace with. It’s frightening having to face yourself, you have to face the decisions you made that you knew would damage yourself, you have to take responsibility for your pain and make peace with it, and what’s worse you may never find closure in facing yourself and you will have to make peace with that as well. It would be so easy to let myself slip through the cracks of my being, I could lash out at the people I love and destroy my body both on the inside as well as the outside, I could wallow in my pain and let it consume every portion of the person I’ve become but that is a never ending suffering that I do not want to endure. I want to be at peace with myself and I owe it to myself to put in that effort. We all owe it to ourselves to put in the effort and face ourselves with honesty.
I don’t want to feel like there are creatures gnawing at the back of my head and I don’t want to feel my life slip through my fingers anymore. I want to face my demons and I will.