Why does my heart feel so heavy?

Photo by Alem Sánchez from Pexels

It burns.

It’s burning inside of me. I can feel the burning liquid pushing its way up my throat and it’s disgusting. All of it is so disgusting I want to purge it from my system, but it won’t leave It’s just sitting there, why? Just get out and leave me be! Why do you continue to keep me prison to your rage? You make me feel weak and I hate it. I wish you would just cease to exist. Why won’t you die? Leave me, just leave.

No matter how many times I push you down you continue to force your way back to the surface and I hate that you do that. I’m so frustrated and angry all the time. Every waking moment there’s nothing but rage and all manner of distorted feelings flowing inside my head. I hate it! I wish I could rip you from my body and make you suffer as much as you’ve made me suffer, as you’ve made so many people suffer. I want to slip my fingers around your filthy throat and watch the life slip from your eyes. I want to hack you to pieces and set your chunks a light and watch you burn away. I will ensure every moment is slow, savoured and extremely painful. Every day I live with this rage, this pain, what more is there left to give? You’ll never leave me, only death will separate us and maybe not even then.

Can you just imagine… Death separates us from all manner of things, life, marriage, friendship but wouldn’t it be so funny if death let you slip in with me? I would much rather lose every appendage on my body one by one with each loss more painful then the next then let you continue to live in me in death.

Occasionally, I’ll have these moments, moments that make me feel weak and disgusted in myself. I hate feeling like I’m losing control over myself. I should be the one thing I can control in a world that’s filled with uncontrollable nonsense. I should be able to control when I want to let loose and when I need to be firm etc, however I always find myself here in this place losing faith in everything I built up for myself. Every time I think that I’m getting somewhere I get shot back to the reality that I don’t want to live in. I want to leave this place and leave all of it behind. Everything that holds me in this space I want to leave behind.

Growing up I never fully understood why villains behaved the way they did but as you get older you start to understand, and you start to relate and that just makes me feel so immensely empty inside. What more do I hold onto? Where do I place my faith when everything out there asks for compensation and I can’t even rely on myself to be steady and sure? My space is violated, I try to scrub away the filth and I try, and try, and yet the more I clean away the more this muck creeps up around me. Are you trying to consume me? Will you be satisfied then? How long before I get to live my Life the way I want to live it? When do I get to stop looking over my shoulder and just live? Maybe I’m not meant to live a life like that. Maybe I’m just meant to be another statistic and break my mothers’ heart one more time.

It feels like it would be so easy but why would I give you the satisfaction? You don’t deserve me.


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