Addressing my Issues

What is it that we fear the most in this world? If you were to ask this question to a friend, a family member and an acquaintance I’m sure you would get three very different answers. You could ask this question to hundreds of strangers and get hundreds of answers but how many would answer “myself”?

When I say fear of self I’m talking about our physical, mental and spiritual self. There has rarely been a time in my life when all three of those states of being have been in synch with each other. I have found myself in a constant battle with either one of them or all three. There are brief moments where my mind shuts down for a bit but in these moments, I am not dealing with any of them. What makes them so scary is that if I refuse to acknowledge them attempt to regulate them, they start eating away at my being.

When I was much younger, I found that writing in a personal diary would often empty my body of my frustrations. At that age I did not know that dealing with those frustrations head on would be the best way to get rid of them, writing in my diary gave me a release and that was what I focused on, but it came at a cost. I never left those moments of frustration on the pages, instead I carried them with me and year after year they continued to pile on top of me, it was as if my diary became heavier with each entry. I eventually stopped writing in my diary, I was going from primary school into high school and after moving into a new place I had forgotten about my burdened diary. One day I found it and went through my entries from my younger self and missed those days where I could tell my diary about my day or my deepest secrets. The nostalgia of it all was great but it brought back feelings of pain that I couldn’t yet explain.

To this day I still have that diary and from time to time it has been my solace, my confidant but mostly it reminds me that I have a past that I need to face and make peace with. It’s frightening having to face yourself, you have to face the decisions you made that you knew would damage yourself, you have to take responsibility for your pain and make peace with it, and what’s worse you may never find closure in facing yourself and you will have to make peace with that as well. It would be so easy to let myself slip through the cracks of my being, I could lash out at the people I love and destroy my body both on the inside as well as the outside, I could wallow in my pain and let it consume every portion of the person I’ve become but that is a never ending suffering that I do not want to endure. I want to be at peace with myself and I owe it to myself to put in that effort. We all owe it to ourselves to put in the effort and face ourselves with honesty.

I don’t want to feel like there are creatures gnawing at the back of my head and I don’t want to feel my life slip through my fingers anymore. I want to face my demons and I will.

Advertisements

Words unsaid.

This was a letter I never got to send and in it were some of the words I never got to say to this person. Putting them into a physical form felt liberating so I never felt the need to send it.

So, you’re probably wondering, “Why would she write me a letter?”. Well to be honest I’ve been contemplating writing this letter for a long time. The concept stems from a very young version of me, I feel like expressing myself with words has always been a great way for me to release my inner tension. I didn’t know if I was actually going to give you this letter and if I’m being honest with myself, I still don’t know if you’ll ever see this letter.

Recently I’ve been helping Kiara* get through a rough heartbreak and there was something I told her that made me remember my past and what I would do to get through a time where I couldn’t get my words out vocally. She messaged me one day asking me for advice, she wanted to message the person that hurt her and tell that person exactly what she had to endure because she cared dearly for this person. I told her to send the message and to make sure that she put in everything she wanted to say. My reasoning for this was because I told her that after this message was sent there would be no more reason to send another. See if this person genuinely cared for her or ever did they would read that message and be compassionate enough to apologize for the hurt they caused and give her closure.

That word closure… It feels like such a funny word to say and to believe. To this day I don’t feel like I ever received any closure from you, or should I say us? Us… Even that feels foreign to say…

Maury* the time I spent with you was probably the most magical time of my life even though now when I look back on it I can see it was the most twisted time of my life. You were good to me for the most part of our relationship. You made me fall deeply in love with you and it felt good. I gave you my trust and my “firsts” (I stand by what I said, I don’t regret you being my first), you were my everything, I gave you my heart to do with as you pleased. I am disappointed that instead of looking after it, like you promised me you would, you decided to take a massive shit on it. What made it so much worse is that you didn’t even have the decency to give me back my heart after crushing it. Yes, you’re reading that correctly, You still have my heart. You don’t deserve to have it, but I don’t even know if I want it back… You’re like a crying child in a pool of tar, you draw people in, you get them to be vulnerable, you make them love you and I mean really love you, foolishly, unconditionally, soul crushingly, devotedly love you and then you pull them into the tar… You fill every crevice of their being and suffocate them until there’s nothing left to take, and you leave them empty. You left me empty. The funny thing is if I could go back I don’t know if I would stop myself from falling for you.

Everything I felt with you was always so intense, I was always at the end of the spectrum. When I was happy, it was the happiest I had ever been in my otherwise gloomy life, and when I was sad, it felt like I was being abandoned… It felt like every inch of my being was turning against me, like I was rejecting myself and leaving myself for dead. You will probably never know how much I loved you or how badly I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. You gave me something to look forward to and I know I didn’t make it seem that way and maybe it’s because it frightened me. You always convinced me that you were so sure about me and I couldn’t reciprocate that as strongly as you did. I know that probably corroded the relationship for you, however it just made me realise that you didn’t know me as well as you claimed to. I could never be that person who was sure of their future. That kind of thing takes years to get me into a space where I can be certain, and I can’t give people a false hope that they’re going to be in my future because I don’t know the future. I can hope and dream about people being in my future, but I know deep down that anything can happen, and I can’t handle putting my hopes on something that fragile. That may be a flaw but someone who truly knows me and loves me would understand.

I don’t think you ever understood what losing you did to me. The way you handled it as well… wow… It kind of made me realise why you had so many exes. You didn’t even have the balls to break up with me properly… You called me to say we should take a break, pathetic don’t you think? The break up made me realise that nothing you ever made me believe about you was ever real. You only admitted to cheating on me after that entire shit fest of a situation ended and you had the nerve to get mad at me for responding the way I did. Do you know what I had to go through to get over you and to forgive you? You were so horrible towards me and all for what? I’ll never know because you will never tell me. You blamed me for your infidelity, for the distance and for getting upset with you, when I was well within my rights to be mad at you.

When it started I tried to still be your friend, you pushed me away. I tried to contain myself and I tried to be as mature as I could be about the entire situation, but you spat all of it back in my face. You flaunted your knew life in front of me without a care for what it was doing to me and you expected me to be happy for you. How much more did you want to take from me? I couldn’t believe how selfish one person could be and I hated myself for loving you. I wanted to punish myself for being so weak and I did. I punished my body for feeling anything for someone who didn’t give so much as an iota about me. I destroyed my body because I wanted to suffer for being just another fool in the long line of girls that fell for you. It felt good, the physical pain that is. My muscles ached from working out, my body poisoned from the alcohol, my mind wreaked from numbing my being and the bruise you gave me… All of it felt so good. Hurting felt good because I knew I was serving my punishment for loving you.

You weren’t even worth it at the end of my recovery. I began to realize that you weren’t worthy of the love I gave you nor the sacrifices I made for you. You never deserved me. That’s what helped me get over you. Every day I realized again and again that you weren’t worth the pain or the tears or the mix-tape Kiara made me to help me get over you. You weren’t worth a mention to therapist I had to go to after Wesley died. You aren’t worth the energy I put into you. So I ask myself why do you still think about him? Why do my favourite love songs remind me of you? Why do you appear in my dreams? Why do I anticipate those random phone calls from you every few months?

Closure. I have never gotten any closure from the people that hurt me. I never got any closure from Vinny*, I never got any closure from my father nor have I gotten any closure from the one person who I Love even more than I loved you. You’re just another person on the list of who is never going to give me any piece of mind and you know what? I can come to terms with that. I know that you are just going to be the way you are and there’s no changing that.

As I go through this whole process of writing up this letter I realize that half of what I’ve said is most likely going to fly over your head and I’m okay with that because this letter is more for me anyways.

I never got to finish my letter but in all honesty I stopped having the need for it. My life is no longer the same and I am no longer this person. I am thankful for her though because she was a part of my healing.

*names have been changed