So where do I start…
Again I find myself at a loss for words trying to wrap my mind around everything I feel. Honestly half of the time it all feels like it’s in my head and maybe if I stop talking about it or acknowledging it maybe it will stop existing but even that feels like it would be too good to be true.
Everything I hear inside of my head seems like just a whisper so I easily ignore it. It’s hard to understand and to explain I just don’t know where to start. I’m hurting inside and I feel like I’m hurting myself and those who come into contact with me. I find myself once again longing for the world that I can call upon in my head where everyone knows me and they feel comfort in my presence. They long for me to be near them and they bring me as much peace as I bring them. In this world I am strong and powerful, I have powers and am in control of myself and my destiny. I get to explore a different kind of world where I’m not hindered by these noises I hear inside my mind. In this world I am free.
What am I doing here? I am so lost. Everyday feels like one more day i spend wasting people’s energy and honestly why should they spend any of it on me? Who am I, other than an out of shape obstacle in everyone’s way. In many ways I am simply a punching bag waiting for the day I break and need to be replaced. Yes though I’ll be patched together with duct tape I won’t ever be truly whole and eventually the tape isn’t going to work and I’ll just crumble apart. I think the worst part about that whole experience is that I’ll most likely just be expected to “pull myself together” and continue my existence as a broken down punching bag. Every time I have a break down I tell myself unknowingly to pull myself together because not only am I the cause of my destruction I am also the healer of my own flawed being. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be upset for as long as I want because that’s inconvenient and no one wants to deal with someone who is like that. It’s too draining to be that way. It only causes problems for everyone out there who is just trying to get through everyday of their own life.
I am a burden. So many times I’ve heard those words in my head. I burden my friends with my mood swings and my behaviour. I burden them with my problems when they have the time to listen. I expect them to listen but I know deep down they don’t have to but I have to even though half of the time I don’t want to and I know I don’t need to but I do it anyways. I burden them with my happiness during times where they are feeling sorrow. I burden them with my thoughts and opinions that are meaningless. I burden my family with my lack of drive and commitment. I’m not passionate enough and I strive for nothingness so I am a failure. I burden my family with my being here, constantly in need and being the black sheep. I burden them with my ideals and my fears. I burden them with my inabilities and my lack of common interest. I burden my mother with my lively hood. I burden so many people yet I’m too afraid to stop being that burden. What would life be without me I often wonder, it always seems a lot more coherent without me in the picture. My mother can focus on her son and husband because there is nothing keeping her from it. My family can continue to boast about their successful children without having to pause and weigh up which nice words they’re going to use to spare my feelings. I see the blunder I am and everything inside me wants to strive to be better but nothing responds the way it’s supposed to. My words and actions do not meet their mark and I’m constantly being the let down my mind has convinced me I am. What is wrong with me?
Where does my mind lie in all this mess and why does it stay there?